The power to forgive myself was something I learned when I began to recognize & become hyper aware of the energy surrounding a victim mentality within the sins of my own self hatred. I had once willingly allowed room for these kind of destructive feelings, thoughts, beliefs, ideas & stigma to plagued me throughout my life, not being able to hold myself accountable for its energetic real-estate. I decided it was time to offer myself this belated gift & learn to rise within its ashes activating my inner scorpio phoenix. (hence the Phoenix tattoo on my neck)
What I realized over time was the unconscious harmful pattern that allowed for the role of anything familiar to replay again & again, validating the abusive beliefs I couldn’t seem to get away from. I personally was enabling its behavior by limiting my own desire to heal & the inability to grow in the dirt I felt planted in. I was afraid to want anything else, being quite comfortable numb in my own self loath with the implanted story that went along with it. I wasn’t strong enough emotionally or mentally to challenge the narrative & see myself other than what was portrayed to me by my environment.
I actually was enabling myself throughout this whole process of contentment, complaining about all its contamination as I continued to drink & eat from its table with a smile. In truth I was afraid to flip the script often times being gaslighted & bullied into believing otherwise. My feelings were always minimized as a byproduct of the trauma I was swimming in, being reminded that I am nothing without them. I no longer wanted to feel small sacrificing myself so others could feel larger than life, hiding their own inadequate feelings through the cruelty that was bestowed upon me. I was afraid of the people I used to refer to as family & the retaliation if I didn’t fall in line.
It wasn’t until I started to read up on all the self help books I could get my hands on, taking a harder look into my psyche than I ever had before. I began doing yoga & working out daily getting mentally strong, playing my intuition hand better with the human chess game I felt a pawn in. I began watching every I step made carefully paying attention to the dynamics of my environment, discovering in the interim who was friend & who was the foe that led to me eventually having to cut ties.
I chose to empower myself & no longer personify a victim mentality to the reflection in the mirror. The truth was that NOBODY in my family came to my defense or tried to protect me except for Eran who showed me how to become my own true savior. I no longer needed the validation or proof of my pain & abuse, walking myself out of circumstances that only I had the power to change. It came with a hefty price tag rubbing others the wrong way, creating a one sided divide that in the end became a family revolution making my new husband & I a family of two.
Part of a healing process comes in seeing yourself with absolute MERCY, giving permission to not punish yourself any more for things you chose out of not knowing any differently or better. Sometimes it requires you to do things you are not prepared to do but is imperative for your growth in becoming healthy. This in return allows for you to set boundaries in the places that were once violated, giving you a safe space to live. In order for me to personally let go, I showed mercy to my former parents by writing myself their own letter of apology which I knew I would never EVER receive from them. This gave me the closure I needed, the permission to heal & the freedom to feel healthy in cutting all ties.
Updated Repost 2018